A wonderful read Helen, actions that strike a chord with myself as well of plenty of others it would seem, reading the comments here. I too suffer crippling panic when sharing content online lest I inadvertently offend, have my writing taken out of context or draw haters to my writing. I’ve been on the receiving end of it in the past and you’re right, I end up diluting a once strong piece of writing to an article stripped bare of any opinion or subjective feelings. I will try and adopt a braver stance moving forward. :)
This part did it for me, "...what do we do with the emotions continuing to whirl around in our heads? We’re left bruised and mentally composing replies we could have said and, get this, trying to justify our work to someone who, quite frankly, will never appreciate it whatever we do."
This is exactly my experience - not of writing online, but of autistic life! I weirdly find it easier to share online, perhaps because I haven't "hit it big" so negative interactions are fewer than I have in person.
This is wonderful. Being misunderstood is one of my biggest fears and in my case permeates a large part of my lived experience as a late diagnosed autistic. As I begin unmasking I'm starting to see that being misunderstood isn't MY fault. There are two people in the interaction. And indeed if the other person is being overly aggressive or hostile that is not ok. Making neurodivergent friends who I can turn to after a misunderstanding has been a game changer. It really helps to exit the thought spiral. 🌀
Oh man, I wish I had read this sooner... I wrote something last week that was based on this. The fear had very much stopped me. And the issue for me was reviewers who weren't trolling - and they were sort of seemingly like constructive criticism, but more harsh than I expected and maybe a bit unfair. And so that was even harder because I couldn't make it 'black and white'. They weren't wrong and I wasn't right. It was this horrible grey that made me want to retreat. I'm not sure what to make of it, apart from put it down to experience. Move on. Try again. Wear some courage to be myself. Not sure if I am diluting yet...
I think we are all writers-in-progress. We fear, we push, we experiment, we retreat, we try again...all completely normal. But yes, ‘move on. Try again.’ Wise words!
Dear Helen, there is a saying / quote that goes along the line of: "Don't shrink yourself to make someone else feel bigger". The older I get, the more I realise that there is space for all of us and all of ourselves. It takes a lot of courage to share anything that you have created: be it a poem, a dress, a cake, a book or even putting an outfit together. Many of us grew up in an era where girls, in particular, had to be perfect. When you got 97% for an exam, the focus was on the 3% that you got wrong, rather than celebrating the 97% you got right. Same applies to feedback on all types of social media posts. We remember the negative comments, but forget about all the positive feedback. Why? I think we were programmed not to let compliments go to our heads, so we were put in our place by shaming us with what we got wrong. If you add up all the positive and constructive feedback you've received and compare that to the few negative ones, you will be surprised when you look at the numbers. Here's to living larger, bolder and remembering the positive and constructive. Thanks for being brave!
Benice, what an insightful comment. Loved this bit “I think we were programmed not to let compliments go to our heads, so we were put in our place by shaming us with what we got wrong.” I feel seen!
Such a powerful piece of writing Helen. I can feel the emotion behind it yet it also comes with a real good dose of common sense and yeh bring it on!! 🔥 I have to say that the keyboard warrior culture we live in makes me very angry and sad and these people have absolutely no idea what effect their words have - or maybe they do but they just don't care. 🤬
I'm so glad that you have processed this to feel better about it and that it doesn't stop you from sharing your beautiful writing with the world. 🌺
Such a great post, Helen, but it's brought some tears with it. I stopped using Facebook in 2014 because of a life-altering comment from someone whose friendship I had treasured for over twenty-five years. I was beyond distressed: this was full-on trauma.
I'm so glad I found Substack last year (thanks to you, as you know!) because I don't feel nearly as vulnerable as I ever did on any of the traditional social media platforms.
I "loved" the phrase 'not a proper writer' - I laughed with my tongue in my cheek. Heck, we're ALL writers. We're ALL artists, readers, learners, people of the world. What's more, we are human, and with that comes the responsibility for compassion and empathy. NONE of us gets to tell anyone else what they perceive them to be or not to be!
On that note it's clearly time for a strong cuppa. Care to join me? 🫖😘
I feel for you, Rebecca. I stopped wearing green for a long time, because "a good friend" felt it necessary to tell me that she thinks it looked hideous on me. Years later, another friend gave me a green top and I received so many compliments on how it made my eyes shine. How do we teach ourselves to trust our gut and not allow other to diminish our self esteem with a single comment? Even at age 61, I still fall into the trap. I'll join you for that strong cuppa :)
Good job I made a whole pot of tea, Benice! Pull up a chair!
How horrid that you'd been made to feel that way by your friend. Learning to trust our gut with how to treat such comments is such a huge process, isn't it? Words really can - and do - hurt.
One would like to think that it gets easier with age, but nope, we still feel the pain. I think that is what makes us human. In the end they are words, nothing more, nothing less. But the closer the person is, the more it seems to hit in spots where we are at our most vulnerable, and they should know that. Yet, I choose not to become hard and wear armour to protect me, because I've done that for too long. Here's to being vulnerable and real.
I’ll join you and make myself a cheese sandwich, Rebecca (or a cheese ‘cob’ if I’m being proper Derbyshire). I don’t think some people are aware of the impact of the written word on social media - and it’s taking us on the receiving end a while to work out that it is just words, just someone’s opinions and it’s up to us whether or not those opinions bring us down. But it’s a process!
As a Derbyshire Lass myself, ‘cob’ completely resonates with me! Although in one part of Yorkshire I’ve been reliably informed a slightly crusty, misshapen ciabatta type cob is called a scuffler - what a brilliant word!
You're so right: it's a process, and of course it's hard in the moment of an online attack to consciously decide how to react. But as you say, it's what we do with them that counts - so from now on I shall rise above! Your post has really made me think about how to deal with this kind of thing from now on, Helen - thank you so much!
Perhaps if I can learn to understand that the vitriol of trolls springs from their own internal scars, I would stop obsessing over the hurtfulness. I have left in person groups over direct attacks in the past, sacrificing relationships with good people in those groups. I feel like I need to toughen up and shrug it off.
May 3, 2023·edited May 3, 2023Liked by Helen Redfern
Don't you envy those people who have such telepathic powers that they can tell how upset someone is? Blocking them is by far the best response. You can't reason with such people. Last year I was hauled over the coals for mentioning, in a review, some shortfalls of a book. There was an almighty pile on,to which i didn't respond, and which only ceased when someone tweeted "But Terry actually recommended the book" ! I was pretty upset, because I always review in a very considered way, but as the editor of the magazine in which it appeared said, some people will not be happy unless you say their book is flawless and worthy of a prize.I
Getting back to your post, if the idiot trolls could write they'd be doing so instead of laying into you. Ignore them, Helen, and keep doing what you do.
As for not offending people, some people look for reasons to be offended. You can't second guess what will cause them to have a hissy fit. Again, just keep on keeping on, and as I am wont to say, remember the wise words of blues woman Bessie Smith:
"If you didn't like my potatoes, why did you dig so deep?"
That is so true! I just finished reading the wonderful Lessons In Chemistry which has had so much hype - justified in my opinion - that I thought everyone loved it. But reading through some reviews on Goodreads afterwards, well, I was amazed at the number of people who claimed to be offended. As you say, some just look for a reason... sadly it's the world that we live in.
A wonderful read Helen, actions that strike a chord with myself as well of plenty of others it would seem, reading the comments here. I too suffer crippling panic when sharing content online lest I inadvertently offend, have my writing taken out of context or draw haters to my writing. I’ve been on the receiving end of it in the past and you’re right, I end up diluting a once strong piece of writing to an article stripped bare of any opinion or subjective feelings. I will try and adopt a braver stance moving forward. :)
Thanks Amelia. And that’s great to hear!
This part did it for me, "...what do we do with the emotions continuing to whirl around in our heads? We’re left bruised and mentally composing replies we could have said and, get this, trying to justify our work to someone who, quite frankly, will never appreciate it whatever we do."
This is exactly my experience - not of writing online, but of autistic life! I weirdly find it easier to share online, perhaps because I haven't "hit it big" so negative interactions are fewer than I have in person.
This is wonderful. Being misunderstood is one of my biggest fears and in my case permeates a large part of my lived experience as a late diagnosed autistic. As I begin unmasking I'm starting to see that being misunderstood isn't MY fault. There are two people in the interaction. And indeed if the other person is being overly aggressive or hostile that is not ok. Making neurodivergent friends who I can turn to after a misunderstanding has been a game changer. It really helps to exit the thought spiral. 🌀
Oh man, I wish I had read this sooner... I wrote something last week that was based on this. The fear had very much stopped me. And the issue for me was reviewers who weren't trolling - and they were sort of seemingly like constructive criticism, but more harsh than I expected and maybe a bit unfair. And so that was even harder because I couldn't make it 'black and white'. They weren't wrong and I wasn't right. It was this horrible grey that made me want to retreat. I'm not sure what to make of it, apart from put it down to experience. Move on. Try again. Wear some courage to be myself. Not sure if I am diluting yet...
I think we are all writers-in-progress. We fear, we push, we experiment, we retreat, we try again...all completely normal. But yes, ‘move on. Try again.’ Wise words!
Dear Helen, there is a saying / quote that goes along the line of: "Don't shrink yourself to make someone else feel bigger". The older I get, the more I realise that there is space for all of us and all of ourselves. It takes a lot of courage to share anything that you have created: be it a poem, a dress, a cake, a book or even putting an outfit together. Many of us grew up in an era where girls, in particular, had to be perfect. When you got 97% for an exam, the focus was on the 3% that you got wrong, rather than celebrating the 97% you got right. Same applies to feedback on all types of social media posts. We remember the negative comments, but forget about all the positive feedback. Why? I think we were programmed not to let compliments go to our heads, so we were put in our place by shaming us with what we got wrong. If you add up all the positive and constructive feedback you've received and compare that to the few negative ones, you will be surprised when you look at the numbers. Here's to living larger, bolder and remembering the positive and constructive. Thanks for being brave!
Benice, what an insightful comment. Loved this bit “I think we were programmed not to let compliments go to our heads, so we were put in our place by shaming us with what we got wrong.” I feel seen!
Such a powerful piece of writing Helen. I can feel the emotion behind it yet it also comes with a real good dose of common sense and yeh bring it on!! 🔥 I have to say that the keyboard warrior culture we live in makes me very angry and sad and these people have absolutely no idea what effect their words have - or maybe they do but they just don't care. 🤬
I'm so glad that you have processed this to feel better about it and that it doesn't stop you from sharing your beautiful writing with the world. 🌺
Such a great post, Helen, but it's brought some tears with it. I stopped using Facebook in 2014 because of a life-altering comment from someone whose friendship I had treasured for over twenty-five years. I was beyond distressed: this was full-on trauma.
I'm so glad I found Substack last year (thanks to you, as you know!) because I don't feel nearly as vulnerable as I ever did on any of the traditional social media platforms.
I "loved" the phrase 'not a proper writer' - I laughed with my tongue in my cheek. Heck, we're ALL writers. We're ALL artists, readers, learners, people of the world. What's more, we are human, and with that comes the responsibility for compassion and empathy. NONE of us gets to tell anyone else what they perceive them to be or not to be!
On that note it's clearly time for a strong cuppa. Care to join me? 🫖😘
I feel for you, Rebecca. I stopped wearing green for a long time, because "a good friend" felt it necessary to tell me that she thinks it looked hideous on me. Years later, another friend gave me a green top and I received so many compliments on how it made my eyes shine. How do we teach ourselves to trust our gut and not allow other to diminish our self esteem with a single comment? Even at age 61, I still fall into the trap. I'll join you for that strong cuppa :)
Good job I made a whole pot of tea, Benice! Pull up a chair!
How horrid that you'd been made to feel that way by your friend. Learning to trust our gut with how to treat such comments is such a huge process, isn't it? Words really can - and do - hurt.
One would like to think that it gets easier with age, but nope, we still feel the pain. I think that is what makes us human. In the end they are words, nothing more, nothing less. But the closer the person is, the more it seems to hit in spots where we are at our most vulnerable, and they should know that. Yet, I choose not to become hard and wear armour to protect me, because I've done that for too long. Here's to being vulnerable and real.
I’ll join you and make myself a cheese sandwich, Rebecca (or a cheese ‘cob’ if I’m being proper Derbyshire). I don’t think some people are aware of the impact of the written word on social media - and it’s taking us on the receiving end a while to work out that it is just words, just someone’s opinions and it’s up to us whether or not those opinions bring us down. But it’s a process!
As a Derbyshire Lass myself, ‘cob’ completely resonates with me! Although in one part of Yorkshire I’ve been reliably informed a slightly crusty, misshapen ciabatta type cob is called a scuffler - what a brilliant word!
Oooooh, a cheese cob! With pickle? 🤔😉
You're so right: it's a process, and of course it's hard in the moment of an online attack to consciously decide how to react. But as you say, it's what we do with them that counts - so from now on I shall rise above! Your post has really made me think about how to deal with this kind of thing from now on, Helen - thank you so much!
Perhaps if I can learn to understand that the vitriol of trolls springs from their own internal scars, I would stop obsessing over the hurtfulness. I have left in person groups over direct attacks in the past, sacrificing relationships with good people in those groups. I feel like I need to toughen up and shrug it off.
Don't you envy those people who have such telepathic powers that they can tell how upset someone is? Blocking them is by far the best response. You can't reason with such people. Last year I was hauled over the coals for mentioning, in a review, some shortfalls of a book. There was an almighty pile on,to which i didn't respond, and which only ceased when someone tweeted "But Terry actually recommended the book" ! I was pretty upset, because I always review in a very considered way, but as the editor of the magazine in which it appeared said, some people will not be happy unless you say their book is flawless and worthy of a prize.I
Getting back to your post, if the idiot trolls could write they'd be doing so instead of laying into you. Ignore them, Helen, and keep doing what you do.
As for not offending people, some people look for reasons to be offended. You can't second guess what will cause them to have a hissy fit. Again, just keep on keeping on, and as I am wont to say, remember the wise words of blues woman Bessie Smith:
"If you didn't like my potatoes, why did you dig so deep?"
That is so true! I just finished reading the wonderful Lessons In Chemistry which has had so much hype - justified in my opinion - that I thought everyone loved it. But reading through some reviews on Goodreads afterwards, well, I was amazed at the number of people who claimed to be offended. As you say, some just look for a reason... sadly it's the world that we live in.
And probably half of them haven't even read the books.
Offended by the book?! I’m trying to think what was offensive about it.
A bunch of losers who can't write were no doubt offended by the fact that someone else can.
Religion. Women. Offensive sex scenes. Written by a privileged white woman. That's what some of the complaints were by others.
Ah.
Love everything about your comment, Terry. And the quote at the end made me laugh!
It's a great quote, isn't it, Helen? Apt for every occasion!
Thank you for sharing this ❤️!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 This is brilliant and I’m so glad someone found it and talked about it and encouraged you to share it here! Magic at work! 💫
It's a reminder that we have lots of pieces already written that have become buried in the noise!
Yes!